| okay. let's do something really totally spontaneous and ape shit crazy like update this xanga. what is Xanga? aside from being an abandoned blog site...i think it's evolved into a state of mind or a time that i knew really well and don't remember but can still feel. sometimes...i have certain thoughts that i feel i can only explain on this stupid online journal. like logging into my xanga will allow me to tap into a part of my brain where i'll know exactly how i feel about that huge THING that seems to be sitting on my heart and brain. sometimes it feels as though no time has passed at all. i'm still 13 updating xanga, chatting online with camila about ridiculous nothings and yet laughing nonstop. i am amazed by everything. i am a huge sap, i romanticize everything, and i've recently been confronted with the idea that i am an unreliable narrator. we've been learning so much about interpreting lit in my english class and i've gotten into the habit of playing this little game where i take everything we learn in class about interpreting stories, songs, and poetry and apply it to my life. like, on a daily basis. things i say and things that happen. i pretend it's a page that's been printed out and try to pick apart the symbols. why wouldn't i do that besides the fact that i have a sick need to over-analyze everything. it's fascinating. so...light and daytime. always represents truth, the harsh truth, reality versus illusion, coming to terms with things, the day after, etc. what about a light that won't turn on? so it's a broken light. now we've introduced a sense of impotence. sure a broken light's not the same as a match that won't start...but it must be similar. perhaps it's not impotence, but a failure to communicate with truth? no, but we know that sounds wrong. because obviously a light that's not turning on, is a disconnect with the truth. right? moving on. blinds. YEAH. OKAY. blinds and being blind and not being able to see. "I can't see." we know. and the dark. and night. and the moon. no i just made that up there was no moon. just night and dark. the id, the ego, and the superego all walk into a bar. bartender says, was this a grave mistake? and you say, See? I just... Another thing I've realized is that it is nearly impossible to not write about literally everything that goes on in my mind. and that's sick. friends always tell me i'm too secretive or mysterious, which is a load of bull mysterious is another word for crazy no one's ever really mysterious, but secretive? what's that if not a nicer word for this crazy hoe won't tell us anything. the real things i hide aren't secrets, i'm doing that for my own mental safety. you know, so i don't go fucking awol on my brain and leave you all with this empty sack of a body and glazed over eyes. but in terms of fun secrets that eat away at your core because you have no one to tell but yourself...those are free for alls. come one come all, as long as you read between the lines you'll pretty much read me like an open book. what the hell? i'm 20 years old. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME! wow i have not matured a bit. Things I Want for 2011: -to be 100% free of debt as in i owe nobody ANY MONEY whatsoever, i owe no demons my soul, no person my name, and you can forget my heart -to be living in New York City. like ACTUALLY living in nyc in an apartment preferably with my own room, WITH MY FREAKING CAT, because I swear if Shugar's not there i will go insane, with maura as a roomie bc that's how it should be -to be in college, aka a real college, aka finishing this goddamned hellish time that seems to have lasted me forever merely as a point of making fun of me -happiness, security, comfort, health, to be the center of attention, no big deal -sleep -fun -shots, shots, shots, shots, sh--k just kidding. now i know it's time for bed. to whoever still logs into xanga every now and then, and i know there are a few of you, we're kindred. xo |
